The Mental Battle

It's been a while since I've written anything. Actually, the last posting date was 7/9, the day of my last 5k. I think I tried to hide that day in the back of my mind and forget about it. I was on a mission to do at least one per month, but my August race was rescheduled until November due to Hurricane Irene. Thoughts of running and racing are in my head a lot today. I've been looking around for a race to do towards the end of September, even though I've slacked on training. Win or lose, it's ultimately a battle between me, myself, and I that I need to conquer. I reconnected with an old friend today also who lives in Cali. We were in Chicago together over 15 years ago, and I just found out that she is not only a marathoner, but also a triathloner! She reminded me that, again, "Marathons are VERY much mental, it takes more mental endurance than physical."


Deep down inside there has to be something that keeps me going. I haven't figured out exactly what it is yet, but once I can find it, I can learn how to use it repeatedly. Rich and I showed up in Enfield at the Twilight 5k on 7/9 and met up with my sister, who would also be doing the 5k (her first!), my bro-in-law, and my niece. We were earlier than we needed to be, but it's always hard to guage what the traffic/parking situation will be like, especially when the race is part of a town festival. I felt that I had eaten what I'd needed to, I was hydrated enough, I had been able to use the port-a-potty just before the race (don't laugh, this is always a huge concern of mine!), and I got some pre-race stretching in also. I really felt ready! My calves always seem to lock up at the beginning when I push it too much too fast, so I had planned to fast walk the first 5 minutes or so to make sure I was loose enough and then get in a mix of jogging and walking like I had trained with so far. If only things played out in reality like they play out in my head.


I had learned from previous races that the slower ones need to stay towards the back or you'll pretty much get trampled at the sound of the gun. So as I heard the gunshot and people started moving (between 250-300 of us), I was feeling good! It took less than 30 seconds for my confidence level to go straight to the ground. What I would guess was because I was walking at the start (even though I was obviously registered with a bib number and all), the cop cars and bicycle volunteers all went in front of me and behind all the people in front of me. It took less than a minute before they were so far away from me that even if I had started running I wouldn't be able to catch up. As I got to the first turn I could barely see everyone that was in front of me. This ended up being the beginning of my downfall. Luckily I had printed the race route out and tucked it into my sports bra or I'd have been lost somewhere in the middle of Enfield. I found out later that I took the 2nd turn too late and went a whole extra block or two out of the way. I spent the next 55 +/- minutes COMPLETELY ALONE! There was not one runner/walker in sight. Twice during the race I was so worked up between being frustrated on figuring out the smaller turns that weren't really labeled on the map, to just being pissed off that I was left behind, that I could barely breathe. I had to literally stop right where I was and try to concentrate on breathing so that I didn't collapse right there. Because if I did collapse, who would have found me?!?! I'm sure it also goes without saying that the water station wasn't even setup when I had arrived where it should have been.


I encountered a couple angels on the course when I needed them the most. Somewhere around the halfway mark I was crossing a street hoping I was going the right way, and a mother and her two kids were crossing the other way. One of the children (somewhere around 7 or 8 years old maybe?) yelled out "yay! you can do it!" and I wanted to just stop and cry right there. I was caught somewhere between myself, a 30 year old woman, doubting that she could finish, and a young girl who I'd never even met, that not only cheered on me on, but ASSURED ME that I could do this! I needed that at that moment! Also, somewhere around the 2/3 mark I went through a small neighborhood and (what I'd assume to be) a husband and wife were sitting out on their front steps and just started clapping and cheering for me. Again only a little after this I had to stop again for breathing issues, but unfortunately the high from the cheerers only lasted for so long. Soon again after I was feeling horrible, angry, mad, and every nasty word I could think of went through my head.

The best way I can describe it is from all the cartoons when I was younger with the angel on one person's shoulder and the devil on the other. My head almost constantly feels like that during the races. I tell myself that I can do it, that I AM doing it! Then I start feeling horrible for being last, for not being able to run, for having to stop, etc. And I go back and forth. I have never felt pure anger during a run though. And as angry as I was at the police and the organizers for just leaving me there, I was angry at myself for letting others make me feel that way. Jogging, training, whatever you want to call it, is actually very empowering for me. To know that I got the surgery I needed, that I got back out there and started working out, that I had completed races and was no longer letting something hold me back - I love the feeling of it! And these horrible feelings of hatred were keeping me from the high that I should have been feeling.


When I finally got to the end, somewhere around 55 minutes or so, I could see Rich, but had no breath to you tell to him with. Finally he saw me and I told him how mad I was and just kept saying "they left me! they left me!" He told me to keep going and that my sister was still clocking my time for me. I told him I wasn't running through their finish line. And fuck them for leaving me. And fuck them for not giving everyone equal treatment. It wasn't until about 5 minutes later, when I'd had some water and calmed down, that I realized that there actually was no finish line. They had taken it down somewhere shortly after the 46 minute mark when my niece had heard them announce that there were "no more runners out on the course". I felt even angrier at this point! Why, just because I came in 8 minutes or so after the last guy, was I not worth them keeping the finish line up for? No finish line, no official timer, nothing. My name isn't even registered on their race results. I paid the same registration fee as everyone else did and received completely different treatment.

In retrospect, I am actually very happy to have finished. I could have taken a shortcut somewhere in the middle with my small sports bra map and just gone back to the start, but I kept going. And I know that took a lot of mental strength to do that. I ultimately did the race for me, and still completed 3.1 miles whether they clocked it officially or not. But I can't say that I'm not completely disappointed with the Town of Enfield and their race committee. As I do after each race, I can only hope that the next one will be at least a tiny bit better. I am still trying to beat my March PR, and I WILL BEAT IT!

5k time on 7/9/11: Unknown

Be Prepared!

BE PREPARED!

I'm doing my 4th 5k in about 4 hours! This will be my first evening event, and honestly, I'm not sure if I'd schedule one this late again - the wait is killing me! I'm not really too nervous, just more antsy to get this thing in motion! In the past I'd be freaking out by now wondering if I have everything ready that I need and trying to sort through tons of "what if's" in my head. But I think I've gotten a better handle on what I need to do to prep myself before a race at this point. So I figured that with some time to kill, why not try to make race day a little less stressful for others as well? Most seasoned runners won't need this - it seems like some people who've been through this enough times (coughRichcough) can just throw on their sneakers and go! But for anyone looking for even a little insight into a less-stressful day, here are some tips I thought I'd throw out there!

#1 - KNOW WHERE YOU'RE GOING! Most people have a GPS or a smart phone these days, but in the very least, you might as well spend the 3 minutes it'll take you on Yahoo! or Google Maps to figure out exactly where the race will be. It also never hurts to find an alternate route. If your race is of any significant size, or part of a fair/festival weekend, most likely there will be lots of streets closed in the area. Learn how to get in the back way through the next exit in case the one you'd normally take is closed off ot thru traffic. Even better, some races (like mine tonight) offer shuttle parking locally that will bring you directly to the site. Instead of wasting your energy flipping off every other car in traffic next to you, park at the mall and take the shuttle! You'll also appreciate not having to walk the mile back to your car after you just finished your 5k, 10k, etc.

It's also a little helpful to know the course beforehand. If the official site for the race posts this, try to become a little familiar with it. Some even post elevation maps! Knowing any of this stuff can't hurt you at all, so you might as well help yourself!

#2 - KNOW WHAT YOU'RE BRINGING! A lot of race day headaches can be solved by laying things out the night before. Just as you might iron your clothes the night before work to save yourself the time and hassle the next morning, the same goes for doing a race. It's a lot easier to wash your favorite sports bra that you realize is in the laundry the night before the race than it is to try and do it an hour and a half before you actually leave for the race! If you have a million pairs of everything, this probably doesn't apply to you. But I like to know what I'm wearing ahead of time and know that it's all clean and ready to go! This rule goes for little stuff too. If you normally bring an iPod running with you, make sure it's charged up and in your bag! I HATE working out without my sleeve scrunchies (since I only work out in t-shirts right now), so it's a MUST that I have those with me. If you have a headband you like to wear, a knee brace, any extra "non-clothing" stuff, make sure it's ready to go with you! They may seem like trivial items to some, but it can start your race off in a bad mood if you're doing it while lacking something that really matters to YOU!

#3 - KNOW WHAT YOU'RE GOING TO EAT/DRINK BEFORE THE RACE! Ok... this one might seem a little extreme, but trust me, it's beneficial! If no one in the house has done any grocery shopping and the only thing you have to feed your body with before a big race is last night's leftover Chinese take-out and a couple of beers, by about the half mile mark you're just going to want to turn around and head back to the start line. I'm not saying you need to feed yourself like an Olympic athlete, but let's face it, you get from your body what you give to your body. You need to fuel it properly. You don't need to eat a pound of pasta the night before a 5k. It's 3 miles, not 26! Have something with carbs and protein the night before, but not something ridiculously heavy that's just going to make you feel weighed down. Keep the day of meal(s) simple. I like peanut butter, maybe a slice of bread, some string cheese, an apple - and water! That's only from my own experience though. You should know from any training you've done what works for you and what doesn't. But make sure that what works for you is available to you! Suffice it to say, the more nutritious, the better.

#4 - KNOW HOW TO MANAGE YOUR TIME! I wanted to call this one "plan to be early!" but it didn't really flow :) Expect some traffic. You're not the only person running the race. I've been to races where there have been 200 people and I've been to ones with over 5,000 people. I've gotten there super early, and we've gotten there so late that Rich had to run down to registration while I searched for parking in the garage! You don't know what you're going to come across, so it's always better to be early than late. Also, keep in mind that if you didn't register online you'll have to register when you get to the race. Again, I've been to some that are electronic registration and you can finish them in just a couple minutes. Some have forms that might make you think you're applying for a mortgage! If possible, print out the registration form at home and bring it with you already filled out (Thanks for the tip Mandy!). Lastly, and the most important as far as I'm concerned, you're going to want to pee before the race! Even if you don't feel like you have to go, GO ANYWAY! I'm a strong believer that the distance of a mile actually changes based on how full your bladder is. I read about one woman who was about to run a marathon - she showed up and used the porta-potty and immediately got into another porta-potty line because she knew she'd have to go again and the line would just get longer the more she waited. You are definitely going to want to make sure you have enough time for this before the race starts!

#5 - KNOW HOW TO RELAX! Easier said than done, but your body will thank you for it. The GI tract doesn't normally like running to begin with. Add in a ton of stress and you've got a recipe for disaster! If you follow the first 4 tips, this one should really be pretty easy. Try to get a good night's sleep the night before. Maybe watch one of your favorite movies before bed to keep your mind off it. If you're into meditation and yoga, the quiet might help you. Maybe it's blogging with Pandora on that keeps you calm :) Whatever it is, try to keep positive thoughts in your head, try to visualize yourself crossing the finish line, and believe that you are giving it your all and your best. All the preparation will help lead you to success :)